So there we were — a nine-year old, arms folded, brow scrunched up in anger and teeth clenched… and an eight-year-old, dealing out a little silent treatment and holding a grudge while digging up worms in the dirt. I didn’t even ask what the problem was, it wouldn’t have furthered anybody’s cause.

“You should see yourself,” I told the angry 9.y.o. “You’re packing lots of angry all over the place like someone owes you something.” I would have taken a picture of her just for fun, but I didn’t have a camera handy, so — next best thing — I laughed at her.

Her angry eyes got angrier and even moistened up a bit. She pointed at the silent 8.y.o. and said”Well she’s the one who…”

I interrupted her. “It doesn’t matter. I’m guessing you would rather be playing with her, and not all angry in a huff, right?” No need to put me in the middle or have me take sides, I’m not going to play that game today, this is something she needs to work out for herself.

“Yeah, but I didn’t do anything wrong. She’s the one who…”

I interrupted again: “Five minutes ago doesn’t matter. How would you prefer to be interacting with her five minutes from now?”

The angry 9.y.o. thought a bit, and her brow softened a bit. “I’d rather be playing with her but she won’t talk to me. I didn’t do any–”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said, “who did what or to whom. What does matter is you don’t want to be angry with her, you want to be playing with her, instead. In the past, do you remember that she apologized to you when you’d been fighting about something? Remember how quickly you both got over the anger? Why don’t you take a turn apologizing this time?” I suggested.

“I HAVEN’T DONE ANYTHING WRONG. She’s the one who should apologize…”

“So I can see you’re not going to try an apology. How about this: what if you just ACT like you’re not angry and maybe you two will start getting along? Imagine how you want things to be five minutes from now, and make that happen.”

The angry 9.y.o. didn’t think about this very long. Arms folded again, brow furrowed, eyes flashing. “She won’t talk to me!” The 8.y.o. sat in the dirt, digging up worms, still dealing out the silent treatment.

I thought I’d try to paint a simpler picture. “Okay,” I told the angry 9.y.o., “How about this: If you just now came outside and saw her digging up worms for the first time, what would you do?”

“I’d ask if I could join her,” said the 9.y.o. with a lot less anger than before.

I then whispered to her: “Try that.”

Five minutes later they were playing in the leaf pile as if nothing had ever been wrong.

---

So here I’ve got an idea. The evening before, the 9.y.o. mentioned that she is realizing that her being the way she is tends to put people off, similar to what happened the following morning with the 8.y.o. Once she drops the anger and pouting, everything gets better again. She thinks she’s doomed, since she doesn’t know what to do about it.

She just doesn’t realize that she can choose to respond with something besides anger.

I’m thinking I could recruit her 18-year-old sister to help. I might ask “How about you stress out your little sister as much as you possibly can? Push her buttons, make her scream in frustration, put obstacles in her way, make life inconvenient for her in every way. That’s your job, if you choose to accept it.”

Then I’d turn to the nine-year-old and say “and YOUR job is to learn that you can choose to respond with something besides anger…”

Not sure if their mom would appreciate having that environment at home, though.